2011/2012 Angsts

Hello,

So I have been having a time processing life these past couple weeks. The holiday is always a weird time for me. I always panic with the pressure of the holidays and making sure everything gets taken care of. Also with working all the overtime and still trying to eat right and keep the house clean. This year is extra chaos since the weekend after thanksgiving. I had to take Jenn to the hospital and she ended up having emergency surgery 2 days later. So with me running back and forth between the hospital and home and working and sleeping. I'm dead. My blog has suffered.

I have been sitting on this post for a bit. I finally have been able to see my Facebook memories this year so it's brought up some things. Like I thought my teens were angsty, nope that was my 20s. I recently discovered I was an empath and these old posts really show it. I was and still am a mess. So in an attempt to get the feels out and process them. I decided to take these posts and write about them. Get it all out.

I have always relied a lot on signs from the universal without realizing it. I see now that this is my empath side showing. You can see all the signs of something being true or being false and still crave that confirmation. The worlds a scary place and sometimes that leap into the unknown will cripple you. No one wants to take that leap and not be caught. Sometimes you need to take it and fall on your face to learn from it. While I am not sure what this was exactly all about I'm sure it's something I have figured out at this point. Actually probably not, hell I could be doing that with this post. If I would have been who I am now in college I would have been fucking unstoppable and not had these issues.

I got nothing done. Nothing at all. I haven't been able to actually sit down and create art in a space I have created to do so since college. It may be part of my probably is I lost my passion for it and now it's just random or sporadic. I honestly feel like I peak with my art in college or just burned myself out. 

Ah I was in a bad place and kinda knew it but didn't. I had just jumped into a relationship and honestly, I shouldn't have. However, the lust of what's in front of you takes over and it blinds you. Also, I was drinking a lot more so I got drunk and change my Facebook status it caused plans I could have had with someone else who I was super into to never happen. At least I believe it did it could have been something else but who knows this was 7 years ago and for some reason I never questioned it. Sometimes I have strange dreams about them and it makes me wonder. I think it's the fact of something being unknown that fucks with you. When someone goes horribly wrong in your life It's like let me trace it all back to where it all went wrong. If I would have done this maybe I wouldn't be where I am now. Honestly, you can't think that way cause it doesn't change anything. Sometimes I think this whole thing was all in my head and just elaborate ruse to fuck with me. Maybe posting shit like this was the problem. That's just the unknown trying to figure it out and make excuses. However, I will never know. That's in the past and I can't dwell on it anymore. Also, I was super into Avenged Sevenfold, actually, I still am just not as hardcore.

Like I said I was in a dark place and didn't know it. You would think the fact I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown would have been a clue. I felt broken and unsure of everything. I felt like a monster cause I knew the timing of everything happening was wrong and couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't. It's like watching yourself do something terrible on tv and screaming to stop it and not being able to hear it cause you watching it on tv. I had not been lucky in love and I have beat myself up over it. I have hoped that someone would come to save me and fix me. That's awful to think I was like that. I'm the only person who can save myself and I just found that out in recent years. Mostly this year where I have had to pull myself out of the darkness.

I know now that some of that wasn't my fault. It was timing and a series of unfortunate events. You can't fix people no matter how much you want to try. Also, some people will always be selfish. It's a two-way street and you can't let someone walk all over you or treat you like shit and think this is fine. It's not fucking fine you deserve better than that.

You deserve someone who will think you are the most amazing person ever, who never makes you feel like second best, someone there is no bullshit with, and someone who is just enjoying your presence.

You need to live for the now, think happy thought, manifest some good shit, breathe, and drink plenty of water. Come whatever may it will be ok. Have more faith in yourself for once. 

I do feel better after typing all this up and processing it. If I come across anything else then I may do this again. 

Anyone else ever do this? come across something that brings back memories you gotta delay process?  Get it all out.